Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Dentists: Dogs Don't Need Them!

My Mommy went to the dentist yesterday, and I aprove of her visit.  The humans teeth are sad compared to a dog's teeth.  We dogs keep our teeth in tip top shape by eating rawhide bones and milkbones.  Since you seldom see a human chowing down on either of those items, you know that their teeth will always need more dental work than that of a dog.  If only the humans could learn from their dogs, the humans wouldn't have to visit the dentist  so often.  However, you know that the humans seldom learng ANYTHING from their dogs.  This is why there aren't dentists for dogs...what do you mean that there are humans who are "doggy dentists"?   I wonder how many of the doggy dentists get special surprises from their "doggy patients"---you know the gift involving our teeth and their skin-perhaps that is the reason there aren't a lot of doggy dentists.LOL
Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Dentists)

Sunday, April 28, 2013

I'm Going to Kmart to Ship my Pants

I was just watching an interesting commercial on youtube for Kmart.  According to this commercial, Kmart will ship your pants so you can ship your pants anywhere you want to.  I don't know why the humans find this commercial so funny, but I've gathered many of my dog pals together and we are heading to Kmart to ship our pants.  Why are the humans telling us to make sure they have enough janitors on duty--oh yeah, duty--I think I get it.  Humans:  their humor is so juvenile!  Here is the link for the commercial:

Demon Flash Bandit (Heading for Kmart)

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Twinkies and Ding Dongs Coming Back--or Are They?

My human mommy should be happy since one of her favorite cakes, Ding Dongs, is coming back on the market.  However, I'm not sure that my Mommy will buy them anymore since there is no guarantee that the new ones will taste exactly like the ones that were made before.  Besides, the new ones will be made by non-union labor.  I can't understand why so many of the humans are against labor unions when it seems to me that most of the problems that the economy has suffered in recent years have not been caused by the wages paid to the regular workers, but by bad business decisions made by CEOs. CEOs, who incidentally, seem to get huge bonuses no matter how much money they lose for the company for which they work.  If we dogs were running things, a dog who made a stupid decision and cost the company money would be working with cats because we dogs would not trust that dog to run a company again.  This is why humans need dogs--they have such a problem surviving on their own!

Demon Flash Bandit (Will Twinkies and Ding Dongs Even Taste the Same?)

Friday, April 26, 2013

Cotton Gin: Great Invention

I have decided to write my blog today about an important inventor in history.  There was a time in history when the humans could drink only regular gin.  Regular gin is an alcoholic beverage that is made from wheat or rye, and flavored with, among other things, juniper berries.  That continued  until Eli Whitney came along and invented  "cotton gin".  Whitney was a genius who realized that mixing liquor with cotton candy flavor would be very popular, and he was right on target since his new invention changed the world!  The only problem with this new invention was that the human puppies liked it too.  The adult humans, not wanting to share their drink with the children, outlawed children from drinking cotton candy gin during the time in history which was called Probition.  (We dogs have the same problem with the humans hoarding chocolate and "claiming" it isn't good for us!)  That is when children had to go to "speak easies" to get their cotton candy fix.  In fact, this is how Al Capone got put in prison because he was convicted of serving alcohol to miners.  There was the big riot in Chicago when the miners, carrying signs on their shovels that said, "give me gin or give me cotton candy".   This is how amusement parks were invented.  They started by serving non-alcholic cotton candy to children and they started adding rides to amuse the children when they weren't eating the cotton candy.  I think there should be an Eli Whitney Day in his honor since he did invent such an important invention!

Demon Flash Bandit (Writing About a Great Inventor)

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Dogs: Born Archaeologists

I hope all my readers are having a good day.  I have decided to discuss something of major importance to us dogs today, and that subject is digging.  All dogs are achaeologists.  This is why we dig whenever given the chance.  Some of the humans get upset when we "dig" up their yards, but they don't seem to understand that their yard is an archaeological "dig" and could unearth many interesting things about the past.  The vast majority of dogs could sit back and be college professors, but we prefer to be out in the fresh air digging up the past.  Many times the humans try to take credit for our work, and often we let them because we dogs aren't into archaeology for the glory of it--we just enjoy digging and finding ancient artifacts.  The next time you go to a musuem and you see an item from an archaeological dig, look at it closely.  Chances are that it will have teethmarks in it from the dog archaeologist who found it.

Demon Flash Bandit (Archaeologist)

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

A Typical Day in the Life of Demon Flash Bandit

I'm sure that many of my readers are wondering what I do on a typical day so I thought I would share a day in the life of Demon Flash Bandit with my readers. 

The first thing I do in the morning is get up which I do at around 1:00pm.  Anything before that is too early!  Then I stretch out my paws, and lay around for about an hour or two before I actually arise.  At that time, I take care of "business" which means I get on the computer and write my diary for dogster and my blog and check my email.  That takes about 2 hours and then it is time for a nap.  After my nap, I usually eat McDonalds burgers or, as in today's case, ham.  Then I stretch out for another nap.  I have a few snacks throughout the day and before you know it, it is time for me to get a good night's rest.  I'm sure many of you are worrying that I work too hard and don't sleep enough.  I can't argue, but I am a "working breed" dog so it goes with the territory.

Demon Flash Bandit (Typical Day in My Life)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Demon Flash Bandit, Business Owner, President, and CEO

I am proud to announce that I, Demon Flash Bandit, have started my own company of which I am the owner, the President, and the CEO.  For dogs who are interested in investing in my business, contact me for the business plan and the growth and expansion plans.  What is my business, you may ask?  I am planning to sell used McDonalds buns.  Everyday I have McDonalds burgers and everyday, I seldom eat the buns because I prefer the hamburger meat.  Therefore, I have been saving the buns, and Mommy recently found my stash, and was going to throw them away--yes THROW THEM IN THE TRASH!  As usual, the humans have no business sense.  There are plenty of animals would buy those buns and enjoy them.  Therefore, I decided to go into business so that I could keep my human from throwing my inventory away.  I had to do some fast barking, but I managed to persuade her to let me try running my own business for awhile.  I will need some dogs who are willing to eat some meat out of the burgers everyday in order for the business to grow so I think I will be able to find many willing canines who will help me with this enterprise.  When I become a successful dogterpreneur, I will be available to mentor other dogs who want to go into business for themselves.  I've got to go now and see if www.usedmcdonaldsbuns.com is available.  By the way, the older buns will be going for a higher price because they are nice and crunchy!

Demon Flash Bandit (Dogterpreneur)

Monday, April 22, 2013

Meet Big Paws!

I know that most of my readers are familiar with "Big Foot"-also known as the Abominable Snowman, Sasquatch and Yeti-depending on which part of the world that a dog inhabits.  Big Foot is an ape like human who has, as his name implies, big feet.  How many of you have heard of his trusty sidekick, Big Paws?  Big Paws is his dog who also has bigger paws than that of the average dog.  You didn't expect Big Foot to have a dog with small paws, did you?  The interesting thing about Big Paws is that he is the "brains" of the duo--just like with humans and their dogs.  This is one reason why you don't hear much about Big Paws.  He likes to keep a low profile so that the humans are just looking for Big Foot, and not for him.  He knows that, if the humans catch a "Big Paw", that the Big Paw will probably be put in an animal shelter and forced to do tricks.  Big Paw does not do tricks.  If you had a brain as big as that of Big Paws, you would not want to do tricks for the humans either.  So far, Big Paws has kept Big Foot from being caught, but who knows how long this will  continue?  This is particularly true  if Big Foot, like the humans, begins to think that he is in charge.  Humans and Big Foot:  it is so sad when they think they are the smart ones!

Demon Flash Bandit (Pulling for Big Paws) 

Friday, April 19, 2013

Mike and Ikes Flavor Quality Not As Good as Usual

I had to go to the dog doctor a couple of days ago because I had a hurt paw.  It was a horrible experience which I will not discuss in my blog because I am trying to forget the trauma I went through.  I will admit that my paw feels much better, but I have noticed that, ever since going to the dog doctor, the flavor quality of my Mike and Ike's candy has went down hill.  This makes me wonder--you don't think the humans are trying to sneak the "antibiotics" that the vet gave me into my human treats.  I can't imagine my humans being sneaky like that when they know that this dog is very smart and can see through their silly behavior....and this dog does not forget.  Perhaps I should write the humans at Mike and Ikes to see if there has been any changes in their recipe. 

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog With Distinquished Taste) 

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Don't Get a Dog Wet ! ! ! ! ! ! !

I met a strange looking human today.  He had odd colored hair and gigantic feet, and he was dressed very oddly--even for humans.  My humans called him a "clown".  He was walking around spritzing water on everyone, and I had to admit that, if he was dumb enough to throw water on this dog, that he would be dealing with a bitten butt.  This dogs does not waste time with stupid humans!!!  I wonder if the clown knows how silly he looks.  Maybe I should take a photo and let him see how ridiculous he looks.  I'm assuming that, with the way he is dressed, the best job he can possibly get would be at McDonalds.

Demon Flash Bandit (Don't Throw Water on a Dog)

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Change the Kool-Aid Man? Oh NO!

"Oh Yeah"--the unforgettable phrase uttered by the Kool-Aid man whenever he crashes through a building could become a thing of the past.  After all these years, the Kool-Aid man is getting a make-over.  I think it is a mistake to change such an iconic part of the company after all these years.  Besides,  I think telling the humans that his pants come in 22 flavors is kind of creepy.  If it were up to me, I'd stick with the tried and true Kool Aid man.  Here is the link for those who want to read more about the new Kool-Aid Man.

Demon Flash Bandit (Likes Kool-Aid Man as he Is)

Sunday, April 14, 2013

I Won't Let Angel Zoom Smokey Get Wet

If you have seen the classic movie, Gremlins, you will understand why I am writing this blog. The movie is the story of how a sweet little mogwai named Gizmo (who was given to a young boy as a Christmas gift) ended up causing havoc on a town through no fault of the mogwai.  Gizmo got wet and getting the mogwai wet caused it to multiply.  You might ask me why I am bringing up this subject in my blog.  My fellow Siberian Husky who lives here with the humans and me, was getting herself wet with her tongue last night, and I do not want to take any chances that she will multiply into more dogs.  It is enough bother putting up with her and her never ending attempts to steal my bones.  (The simple rule around here is that all bones are MINE!)  If she manages to multiply, and then eats after midnight, we could have a whole batch of those annoying monsters, the Gremlins, who will destroy everything in sight.  This dog does not want to worry about such things so I am standing aside Angel Zoom Smokey  with a fur dryer--just to make sure that she does not multiply!

Demon Flash Bandit (Drying Angel Zoom Smokey--one Fur at a Time)

Friday, April 12, 2013

Cats: Easy to Fool

I will start out this blog by stating that I happen to like cats.  I know some dogs don't care for them, but when I was a puppy, the human who owned my doggy parents had a lot of cats.  Therefore, I got used to having them around.  However, just because I like them does not mean that I don't enjoy teasing them on occasion which is why I'm writing today's blog.  I asked a cat over, and told him we had a "mouse" in the house.  No, there are no actual "mice" in the house, but there is a computer mouse.  I just didn't bother to specify the "breed" of the mouse.  The cat searched the house, and couldn't find any mice and then I showed the cat the computer mouse.  Did you know that many cats do not have a sense of humor at all?  I discovered this when the cat hissed at me and threatened to scratch my nose--like it is supposed to be my fault that dogs are smarter than cats!

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing Cat IQs)

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I Discovered the Loch Ness Monster!

For those of you who have been wondering if the Loch Ness Monster is real or a hoax, I have the answer.  I decided to go on a fact finding trip to Scotland to find out for myself because, let's face it, you can't trust the humans with such an important discovery.  They can't even use their sense of smell to help locate a monster because, they can't smell their way out of a paper bag.  I thought it was important for a dog to take over the search so, here I was, hanging out in Scotland, and wearing a kilt so I'd fit in.  I don't normally wear clothes because I don't think we dogs need them, but a dog not wearing a kilt would look silly in Scotland.  I checked into a hotel and went for a walk on the beach to see if I might be lucky enough to catch sight of "Nessie", and I was one lucky dog because I saw Nessie right away.  There was a boat on the water, and Nessie was throwing up over the side.  I could tell it was Nessie because she was green, and I'm going to assume she has gills since the humans say that people who are throwing up are "green around the gills".  Imagine how happy I was to be the dog to find the truth.  Yes, Nessie does exist, and Nessie has a serious problem because Nessie gets seasick.  Think about this for a moment....a "sea monster" who gets "sea sick" would have a horrible life.  I told Nessie that she could move away from the sea, but since Nessie had just invested in a whole wardrobe of kilts to fit in with the local fashion, she said she would stay and put up with the sea sickness.  Nessie is quite a trooper--or perhaps a better word would be "trouter" since Nessie is kind of "fish like" living in the water.  Nessie started asking me if she could borrow $2.50.  I guess sea monsters think dogs have a lot of money so I got my tail out of there as soon as possible.  I am not about to lend $2.50 to a sea monster-particularly when I saw Nessie's credit rating!

Demon Flash Bandit (Loch Ness Monster Wanted to Borrow Money)

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Who Speaks Canary?

I recently wrote a blog entitled Stupid Face Squirrel, which is about Phinegus Fitzgerald Argyle Tiberius Caesar Fitzpatrick IV, who I have dubbed Stupid Face.  In my blog, I hinted that acorns might have some drug like qualities similar to cocaine judging from the behavior ot the average squirrel.  I'm sure those of you that may have doubted my conclusion have since watched some squirrels and know that I am right.  Those little varmints act like small cocaine addicts.  I decided to do some further research so I called 911 to report Stupid Face's suspicious behavior which did not bring any authorities out to see for themselves. Evidently, a dog is ridiculous for calling an emergency number to report a squirrel.  Therefore, a dog has to take matters into his own paws and fix things himself.  I caught Stupid Face, and I detained him on the deck in the back yard while I "grilled" him.  Okay, I admit that I used a grill so Stupid Face would know that this dog means business.  I hooked up some flashlights on him, and turned on the porch lights.  Stupid Face would spill the "acorns" or my name isn't Demon Flash Bandit.  Stupid Face sang like a canary, but that is the one bird language that I can't speak.  I recorded it and I"m trying to locate a dog who speaks canary.

Demon Flash Bandit (Grilling Squirrel Meat is Fun)

Monday, April 8, 2013

Demon Flash Bandit: Human Trainer

I was just reading a book, and it was about how to train dogs.  This book is stupid as are most of the dog training books.  They are written by humans and what do they know about training a dog?  Nothing--which is what the humans know about basically everything.  If you want a book that tells you how to train a dog, you need a book written by a dog which is why I have written my own dog training book called, How to Train a Stupid Human.  Yes, I know that training the humans is frustrating and takes a lot of time.  Ultimately, the time spent is worth it because even the dumbest of humans is capable of being trained if a dog does not give up.

Demon Flash Bandit (Human Trainer)

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Stupid Face Squirrel

There is a suspicious looking squirrel in my back yard.  To be fair, I think there is more than one squirrel because they all look alike to me.  Anyway, this particular squirrel who goes by the name of Phinegus Fitzgerald Argyle Tiberius Caesar Fitzpatrick  IV--or as he is known around my bedroom, Stupid Face.  Angel Zoom Smokey has a simpler name-Breakfast.  Angel is a realist.  Stupid Face (what I will call him on this blog) has been observed fraternizing with birds so I don't trust him.  If being friendly with birds and climbing up into trees with them isn't bad enough, am I the only dog who has observed that squirrels act like human crack addicts?  If you haven't noticed, just watch them.  They run around aimlessly in circles, and then they stand up like they are trying to reach something that isn't there.  Then they act paranoid and start looking around like the police just drove up and know where their stash is hidden.   I'm surprised the humans haven't observed this behavior and checked to see if there are any "cocaine" like properties in acorns.  I'm assuming that this has become a guarded secret among the squirrels because the last thing they need is for the humans to start harvesting their acorns before they have a chance at them.  Although seeing a bunch of humans hanging out around an oak tree waiting for their "drug of choice" to fall would be bark out loud funny.  In fact, a couple of days ago, I saw Stupid Face fall out of a tree so you know he was high on something.  I'm sure the stone I hit him with had nothing whatsover to do with him falling.  Upon falling out of the tree, Angel Zoom Smokey started singing a song she wrote,  "Give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of that Stupid Face".  Stupid Face did not seem to appreciate the musical rendition so he went running to another tree (opium limb--you know they have to be on more drugs than just acorns).   This is when I realized that they are not only in league with birds, but with space aliens who, incidentally, are also on acorns.  Why do you think they came here?  It is to get their acorn supply.  This is why you have to kill all birds because they have evil friends. 

Demon Flash Bandit (Never Trust Stupid Face Squirrel)

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Movie Review: GI Joe: Retaliation

This is the sequel to the original GI Joe movie which is a movie that is based on the GI Joe toy action figures.  This movie stars Dwayne Johnson, D.J. Cotrona (I'm sure he chose the name, D.J. because that was one of the dogs names who played Demon in Snow Dogs),  and Channing Tatum.  This movie continues the story where the first movie left off.  The GI Joe base is attacked and only 3 survive.  Hoping the entire GI Joe team has been eliminated, the President (who is actually Zartran), is on a scheme to "take over the world".  I think this is what happens when Zartran's parents allowed him to watch too many episodes of the cartoon, Pinky and the Brain.  If you ask this dog's opinion, Zartran does not have even half of Brain's intelligence.  This movie is an okay movie particularly if you enjoyed playing with GI Joe action figures as a child or even now.  You humans aren't fooling this dog--I know a lot of adults still play with toys.  However, I have always found bones more fun to chew, and my squeaky toys are far superior to the silly action figures who would be more interesting if they were dogs.  I have to give this movie 2 paws up, and that is about it.  It would be a 5 1/2 out of 10 on the human movie scale.  I would not discourage the humans from seeing it.  Most humans don'/t have a dog's good taste anyway.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)

Friday, April 5, 2013

Sharing the Story of a Good Zombie!

I know that most zombie stories do not have good endings, but this one does.  A zombie in New York City named Jeremy Zelkowitz (22 years old) saw a cat darting in and out of traffic.  The cat, who was rescued by Zelkowitz, and sent by cab to BluePearl Veterinary Clinic had a microchip that showed that the cat is named Disaster, and he  belonged to Jimmy Hellisen.  It turns out that Disaster had been missing for 2 years.  It is nice to see a good story involving a zombie for a change.  Sure, it would have been a happier story if he had rescued a dog, but a cat is a nice start.  Here is the link for those who want to read this story for themselves:

Demon Flash Bandit (Sharing a Good Zombie Story)

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Demon Flash Bandit: Drafted by the NFL

I have been invited to play on the NFL so naturally, as soon as the invitation arrived, I had to let my blog readers know about my good fortune.  As you can imagine, I am super excited to be invited to play in the league.  It is every dog's dream to be asked to play on the National Furry League!  We dogs just can't resist the applause of the humans when we run out on the field  to play with the other dogs.  Some breeds like the Chinese Crested do not think it is fair because they aren't considered furry enough to play in the NFL. However, NFL does have furry in the title, and Chinese Crested  don't have near as much fur as the average dog.  Life is not always fair.   I have already informed my humans that no baths will be given before I play because they would compromise my furriness, and I don't like baths anyway.  I hope the game is soon because I am very excited over the prospect of running onto the field and shaking my furry butt for the humans.

Demon Flash Bandit (Drafted by NFL-National Furry League)

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Dead Birds: Hopeful Sign!!!

I've written many times in past blogs about birds being evil, and this time I have proof.  Archaelogists have unearthed the gate to Hades, and it is in Turkey.  Personally, I don't think it is a mere coincidence that a country named after a bird would have the gates to the afterlife.  Plutonium or Pluto's Gate is a small cave near the temple of Apollo.  There are "vapors" coming out of the cave, that have killed many birds who try to enter the cave.  I think this shows that even "bad things" can have good outcomes.  Dead birds are a good start.  Maybe it will kill off some of those annoying squirrels too.  We dogs can hope!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (Discussing th